Friday, April 19, 2013

My strange jealousy

A few of my friends are pregnant right now, which is the beginning of such an exciting and beautiful time in their lives. As a friend it's my JOB to be overly excited for them and ask lots of questions and listen to their concerns and hope and aspirations for the unborn child.......So why was I instead strangely jealous of them?

When I say jealous I don't mean like smile in their face-talk behind their back jealous, or try and change the subject every time we talked about the pregnancy ..... I mean like I had a pinch of envy towards them being pregnant. What bothered me the most about it was that I didn't know why I felt that way. I mean I love my friends and I am extremely happy for all of them but for the life of me I could not shake that feeling. 

I talked to my mom about it and at first she was like "well I hope them being pregnant hasn't sparked interest in you cause you need to finish school" and blah, blah, blah...... Then I realized the issue: the envy was coming from the conflict I had been having with myself about starting a family sooner than I originally planned. In my mind my friends were doing something that a part of me wanted to be doing right now too but couldn't/shouldn't so it left me feeling like the kid who watches her friends play outside while she looks on from the window while doing her homework. I wanted to be in their shoes! A part of me wants so badly to start a family right now, like this year ::this may just be instinctual since I'll be getting married in about 3 months:: but the other part is a little more logical reminding me that I want to finish school and jump into my career before we start making babies. And that if I did get pregnant now not only would it change my little life, it would also delay my plans that I am SO close to completing. 

Can you feel my struggle?

Once I faced the true reason behind the jealousy I had for my pregnant friends and was able to voice it to someone else (not them) I felt tons better. My mom also reassured me that what I was feeling what completely normal, seeing as I am at the age and stage of life where I am supposed to be starting a career, creating intimate relationships and starting a family ::To my Psych and Nursing majors you like how I incorporate Erickson's development stages huh? Lol:: which means it's natural for me to began thinking of babies and being happy for friends that are having babies while wishing it can be me sometimes. Crazy how moms always know how to make you feel like less of a weirdo :) I am now nothing less than thrilled for my baby bumpin' buddies because I feel secure in my decision to wait until after marriage and graduation from school to start a family. Those are the most important tasks to complete in my life right now and everything else will fall in line afterwards. Lewis has told me that whenever I was ready, he was ready....... so I am going to focus on self betterment so that when that time comes I can put all of my focus into being a great mom!

Have you ever felt jealous about a friend who had a little one on the way, whether it be a guy friend or a girl friend? Besides babies, have you ever found yourself being envious of someone who seemed like that were in a better position in life than you at that moment? 

Feel free to comment!!! 

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